Interaction with Drama: Dealing with the Perpetrator
Keep in mind that all three roles in drama are victim roles. The victim is the person who is hurt; the perpetrator tries to hurt the other people who are involved; and the hero tries to save the situation by sacrificing all of his/her energy.
Usually, the basis of all three roles begins in childhood. The role of the perpetrator begins when the child or person feels so hurt that s/he attacks for survival. The underlying feelings are those of insecurity, lack of faith and love in self, and fear. The goal of the perpetrator is to hurt or attack others before s/he can be hurt (again), and we tend to perceive this action as aggression.
A perpetrator teaches a great deal about one’s personal vulnerability. I learned from my ex-husband, who is a martial artist, that a person can only be attacked in an area of unprotected vulnerability. For example, Achilles could not be defeated unless attacked at the back of the heel. You cannot be attacked if you are not vulnerable. This is an excellent opportunity to see how you feel vulnerable. What is this person attacking about you? Is it true? Is it based on old patterns of insecurity from childhood or adolescence?
Perpetrators are adept at attacking other people to hide their own vulnerability. If you are on the defensive, then the perpetrator wins. (They actually win your energy.) A perpetrator must attack a place of weakness, or the other person will not react to the attack. What will happen if the attack doesn’t hurt you? Nothing will happen.
The Universe is waiting for you to react differently. In a conversation, you can ask, “Is this your opinion or are you stating this as a truth? Is there a reason for your viewpoint? Why do you feel this way?” Perpetrators don’t respond well to questioning because they plan a surprise attack to take the chessboard. They rarely know the reason for their thoughts because they are in a knee-jerk reaction about protecting themselves.
You can also notice your own body during these encounters. If you can relax the parts of your body that tense during these encounters, then the situation will change. This is because your body is part of your field. If you change your physical reaction, then you have changed your reaction into a response.
In closing, if there is a perpetrator in your life, then you are either the victim or the hero. When you decide not to play this role, the perpetrator will find another person to persecute!
Observation is the key when changing any pattern because they are ALL based on drama. Notice which of the roles that you play and the actions/reactions that you always have because these may be the clues to the solution. You may have always reacted to this type of attack.
Notice if you placate, argue with or soothe the perpetrator. Keep a list on your desk and listen to your tone of voice. Change your responses or reactions. (It is also useful to record phone calls from perpetrators as they usually don’t remember what they said since the point of the call was to argue or intimidate.)
You can also validate any relevant points that the perpetrator makes. This can be helpful because the perpetrator feels out of control and employing aggressive behavior to regain control. By validating the other person’s point of view, you are changing the flow of conversation and energy.
21 Responses to “Interaction with Drama: Dealing with the Perpetrator”
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